my Daily Sunset: Jokes

Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

24 January 2009

Essential Desert Objects

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

14 April 2008

Helisoft

Happy Monday everyone! I don't have anything exciting to share today and I know it's not gonna be fun at work, so, I guess its Joke time...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

28 February 2008

Respectfully Cheating

Joke time ... it's been awhile haven't posted jokes ... here it is.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

01 February 2008

Man & Woman

Joke time!

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

02 January 2008

Santa and the Little Girl

joke time!

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

17 November 2007

Little Johnny

Joke time it's the weekend.

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"The stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said Little Johnny.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?"
"Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.
The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

10 November 2007

Smart Pills

joke time! hehehe

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like sh*t.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

07 November 2007

In a murder trial

joke time!

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

04 November 2007

if only...

Joke time!

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there’s a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom:
- "I’m sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We’ll be delayed 45 minutes."

Suddenly there’s another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they’ll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they’ll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says:
- "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we’ll be up here all day."

18 October 2007

Plain tired...

my 1st confession, to busy and to tired lately that's why i didn't get a chance to update this blog. i can't wait weekend so i can sleep in. opps forget i'm going to be busy this coming weekend so much house chores and laundry to do. speaking of laundry, do you guys do your laundry every week? i never do...i wait 'til we run out to wear. hehehe . if i run out a regular work clothes i got no choice to wear dress or skirt. funny cause my friend at work if they see me wear dress that means i didn't do laundry. hahaha...

anyway here's the Final Confession ... hehehe ... it's Thursday joke time!

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Have a wonderful day everyone!

08 October 2007

Christmas present

Perfect present this coming Christmas hehehe... Julie already gave me a long lists for christmas since we are thinking to have early christmas cause hubby will not be here to spend christmas with us. you cannot believe she wrote ... all big toys, i meant big toys like lap top, new iPod, new camera ( we gave her one last April but she didn't like anymore), and new tv for her bedroom...i looked at the lists golly! i said if you'll be good you can get all of them...i told myself yeah right! hahaha...well i know i can afford all she want it BUT only battery though...hahahahaha

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." Bernard Manning.

07 October 2007

Two violinists

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact
the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a
heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the
next day.
Abe - I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
Max - Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad
news...The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here,
and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece,
tomorrow night!
Abe - So what's the bad news?
Max - Well, you're booked to play the solo!

06 October 2007

Scotch

The bartender asks him 'What'll you have?'. The guy answers, 'A scotch, please'. The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars', to which he replies 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this'.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration'. The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again'.

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What are you doing here? I can't believe you got the audacity to come back!'.

The guy says 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life', to which the bartender replies 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.'

To which the guy replies 'Thank you! Make it a scotch.'

04 October 2007

Judgement day

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you
only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law’s home?"

"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

03 October 2007

Emotional extremes

Happy Wednesday everyone! Enjoy!

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters", said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness", said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation", said she.

"And you sir", he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Great Female Comebacks

Man "Haven’t we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven’t I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine."

Man "I’d like to call you. What’s your number?"
Woman "It’s in the phone book."
Man "But I don’t know your name."
Woman "That’s in the phone book too."

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!"

Man "I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you... to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I’d die happy
Woman "Yeah, and if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing."

Man "I’d go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let’s start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Girl & a Nun

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

27 September 2007

Supermarket Mother

Joke time! hehehe

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

24 September 2007

Make his Legs longer

Happy Monday, joke time!

...
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We’ll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We’ll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can’t we just make his legs longer?"

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